angel.for.the.eyes,devil.for.the.heart. [entries|friends|calendar] ashley. [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[30 Dec 2010|08:57pm] height: 5'10 hw: 157 cw: 150 gw: 115 yeaaaaah. basically, i gained 50 pounds in treatment. go me. now i'm desperately trying to lose it and i need all the friends i can get. friends-only. i'm not a bitch and will add you. just leave me a comment or add me! 22 potions for me.

[22 Jun 2007|11:23am] pants that were baggy on me 9 months ago don't even fit over my leg. pants i bought in march don't fit over my thigh. i don't think i've cried this much in a long time. i just want 10 pounds gone so i can wear my clothes again. then i will worry about my goal weight. i honestly don't think i've felt this fat in my life. potions for me.

[15 Jun 2007|07:44pm] this is me posting in this journal for the first time in awhile. i cried while reading my previous entries. i was so good. so determined. so thin. i was 119. now i'm a fat 137. probably 140 on horrible days. i guess recovery does that to you. i'm trying to be back in the swing of things. because of treatment, i've made a habit of eating when i'm not even hungry because i had to gain weight. now i'm going to revert back to "not hungry? then don't fucking eat." stay away from processed foods, cereal, peanuts, peanut butter, and anything horrible like that. i will eat only veggies and protein. lets see where that gets me in a week with added exercise every day. hopefully i will lose at least 5 pounds. i should, considering i plan on eating less than 300 calories a day. i'll keep updating more often now. hopefully everyday. i tried a written journal, but i found myself abandoning it after a few days because i lack the patience to write it long hand. potions for me.

[21 Feb 2007|12:18pm] i haven't weighed myself for over a month. i feel disgusting. i know i've eaten fabulously for a few weeks and then horribly for days and then back on track i'm afraid i've gained. i'm afraid its noticeable. i'm afraid that in 2 weeks when i go home for break, my parents will be glad that i've gained weight. i want to shock them. i want them to realize i will stay thin no matter what. but most of all, i want to get on the scale when i get home and realize i haven't gained but rather lost 5 pounds. that, my friends, will be joyous. :) potions for me.

[18 Dec 2006|12:13am] operation goodbye-fat-hello-gorgeous starting tomorrow. 1 potions for me.

[12 Nov 2006|10:45pm] i'm feeling oddly optimistic. ODD. i ate an entire carton of icecream and tons of peanut butter and cereal this weekend. totally around 4000. i thought i would gain. i didn't. i stayed the same, maybe even lost 1/2 pound. ODD. i decided to get out of my bubble and call some of my friends and hang out. they were out of town or didn't answer there phones, but it doesn't matter. i actually wanted to socialize. ODD. i'm a writer and have been having a horrible time coming up with a new topic for a short story. all i think about is food, etc and the last thing i wanted to do was write another eating disorder story since everyone has written them to death. but i randomly got inspired to write about something else, something that doesn't relate to food. ODD. i decided to fast this week, well...pseudo-fast, meaning hard core restrict, but the last 2 weeks i tried, i didn't exactly succeed. but for some reason, this week it might work. i feel good about it and i never do. ODD. strangely enough, this eating disorder biz might be working out in my favor for once. i think its because i bought fabulously expensive gloves to keep my fingers from freezing off. i feel glamorous. <3 and you girls/guys better feel glamorous too. potions for me.

[05 Nov 2006|09:57pm] 1. get an ed. 2. become socially absent because of ed. 3. because you have no friends, you concentrate on ed. 4. ed gets worse. 5. wonder why your friends don't act concerned. 6. then you realize you don't have friends because of your ed and your ed thrives on you not having friends. this is one fucked up continuous circle. and there are some people out there who think anorexia is glamorous... yeah. no friends=glamor. sorry for this. i just called 5 of my friends to tell them i miss not hanging out with them. none of them answered their phones. :( i guess i'm the one to blame. potions for me.

[03 Nov 2006|09:48pm] i'm at a loss. i don't know what to do. i'm seriously debating leaving the community. not because of you girls/guys because you are seriously the best and always there...but because of me. i feel that if i can't control my life, my eating, my disorder, how can i give advice to you? what right do i have to say anything that i do? a new month started and i was doing fine. no. not fine. great. i was doing fucking great. i got to the teens, 119 and was only 4 lbs away from my stgw. and then randomly, a voice said to me, "you need to eat something." so i had a peanut butter sandwich. i'm probably back to 121 now. total today: 990. yesterday and wednesday: 250. i feel that if i can't keep up with my goals and plans, what right do i have to be here? i feel like i just come here to bitch about how i binged and tomorrow is a new and better day. and the thing is...it never stops. it won't ever stop and i'll keep coming on here commenting to your posts about how you need to stay strong and how we can do it, posting about how great i'm doing, and then a week later, poof. its gone. all my progress has been deleted. i honestly don't know if this is just my ed flipping out or what...but i feel out of place and think that the last thing this community needs is a loser like me. a fat waste of space who is an abomination to the anorexic lifestyle. potions for me.

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